The Best Fanfic Ever!
by Hisoka Kurosaki
Summary: No, really! Tsuzuki wants it to be so. Will he be able to win back Hisoka with his romantic literature? Will the rest of the YnM gang help or just get in the way? Why does Chief Konoe need Viagra? Crackalicious! :3
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

The wind picked up as it churned the once still pond and made it's way through the trees. This caused the branches to sway and creak while they danced to the howling whistles along with the symphony of crickets chirping. Fireflies plagued the woods and created a twinkling light show that could be matched to the stars spritzed into the night sky. Summer nights were to be admired and even more so for the opportune moment the brunette with amethyst eyes had layed before him. He placed his hands on either side of the youth's shoulders and smiled. Beautiful, emerald eyes stared into his as if entranced, but soon closed. The man took this as a pleading gesture and leaned in to capture the smooth, persuasive, parted lips.

"All right Tsuzuki, stop right there!"

"Nnahh!" Tsuzuki jumped and nearly fell from his swivel chair. He clutched onto the desk surface and sat himself back up appropriately. He then turned around to see an annoyed and almost amused empath. He panicked and hugged the computer screen as if to hide what had already been seen. "Ah, Hisoka! How's your share of the paper work coming...Eh...What did you see?"

"I should ask you the same question. Doing research?"

"YES! Yes I am! HAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"So, who were you about to kiss? I mean, I'm assuming the "brunette with amethyst eyes" is you." Hisoka crossed his arms and smirked. 'As if I don't already know, moron.'

"Er..." Tsuzuki began to sweat. He knew he should have just waited until he was home to type up his story, but he was just too bored to sit there and pretend to do paperwork. Nothing against paperwork, but it sucks! Why bother with formalities when they could actually be surveying Kyuushuu. It was summer time after all which meant more supernatural activity and statistically more murders. "Hisoka, I just-"

"It was me, wasn't it?" _Hisoka just finished writing his statement towards their prior investigation. He gathered his stack of papers and headed towards the filing cabinet. He glanced over at Tsuzuki who seemed to be diligently working. His eyes softened, but soon widened while he actually took a closer look as to what his partner was actually doing. 'So this is what Tsuzuki does on the computer.'_

"Who's to say that it's you?

"Huh?"

"Well, you've found me out. Hisoka, I love fan-fiction! Yes, I know it may be hard to believe, but I yearn to let my fanta- I mean, imagination go virtual."

"This probably has something to do with Hakushaku...Tsuzuki, who else besides me has green eyes?"

"Ah...Well..."

"Don't think! Admit it!"

"Hijiri!"

"What?"

"Hijiri has green eyes..."

Hisoka's mouth dropped. What a slap in the face! At first he was disgusted and humiliated that his partner had such ridiculous fantasies involving him, but now he felt somewhat disappointed and hurt. Hijiri Minase, really? Sure, they both considered him as a friend, but never had Hisoka suspected Tsuzuki to be infatuated with the young violinist. What does he have that Hisoka doesn't?

"Yeah! What does he have that I don't?"

"Pardon?"

"I'm sexy and my fan-base considers me gruff, but cute! Annnnd there are more pairings with us than any other couple!"

"Hisoka, what are you talking about...?"

"Tsuzuki, I will always and forever be sexually frustrated! Think about it. I died young, with raging hormones! Hijiri? He'll age and lose whatever bit of physical attraction you have towards him."

Tsuzuki's eyes widened and a vibrant blush stained his face. "Whoa, Hisoka! You're getting the wrong idea!" Hisoka had finally lost it. Normally his moody partner would slap him, make fun of him, or just ignore him. He had to admit, he much liked Hisoka's jealous side. "I was just kid-" but before he could finish his explanation Hisoka pulled out an apple pie. From where? We don't know.

"I was planning on giving this to you due to it being our three year anniversary."

"Gyaaah! Oh Hisoka! Thank you~!" Tsuzuki cavorted forward and was airborne, tears of joy flowed from his eyes.

Hisoka scowled and pulled out a gun.

"Ack! H-Hisoka? What are you planning on doing with that?"

He cocked the gun at the pie and glared at Tsuzuki.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Don't worry, I'll make it quick."

"Why are you overreacting?"

"Why are you so gay?"

Tsuzuki gasped. Never had he thought his partner would stoop to that sort of level. "Really Hisoka?"

"Yo momma!"

"..."

"What's going on you two?" Tatsumi peeked his head from Konoe's office. He had just finished pointing out to Chief Konoe that the current funds would no longer go towards Viagra.

"HISOKA'SSEXUALLYFRUSTRATEDANDHE'SGONNASHOOTTHEPIEANDHESAIDI'MGAYANDMYMOMMA!"

"...WHOA!" Tatsumi's glasses flew right off his face. Maybe he should just pretend he didn't hear anything and retreat to his own office.

"Tatsumi-san, Tsuzuki has been unfaithful. I need to take the day off."

"By all means, Kurosaki-san." Hisoka grabbed his jacket and signed off on his computer. He left through the main office.

"What? How come he gets to go? No faaaair!"

Tatsumi retrieved his glasses and aligned them perfectly on his face. "Tsuzuki? You know I love money, right?"

"Right..."

"Could you write me a story of passion between money and me? Oh, and make it a romantic comedy."

"Tatsumi, I should probably get back to work..." 'How did he know...?'

"Huh? Oh, there's that too. Look, you really need to settle things between you and Kurosaki-san. He's your partner after all and he's stuck by you for this long. You cannot risk losing him." Tatsumi smiled reassuringly and patted his former partner on the back. "Maybe I could help you with your story?"

"Tatsumi, how did you know I was typing up a story?"

"You know that plant over there in the corner?"

"...Yeah?"

"So, you want help or not?"

"Oh Tatsumi, that would be wonderful!"

"But..." His demeanor darkened. "It's going to cost you! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Waaah! You're so mean!"

TBC

_***Hiya everyone! It's been awhile and yes, I'm still the same. That may be good or bad. Anyway, I do plan on making a slightly more serious story sometime, but being this silly is a lot of fun! I have some more random ideas, but I'm willing to take requests. I'm also hoping to get as many characters in the fic as possible. I'm trying to balance the OOC with the IC. Heh heh. It seems more OOC at this point, but we shall see! Anyway, please review! X3***_

**~Extra~**

The amazing Seiichirou Tatsumi Part One

Tsuzuki: So, Tatsumi, what's it like being able to manipulate shadows?

Tatsumi: Eh, it puts bread on the table.

Watari: I bet he's really good with shadow puppets. Haha!

Tatsumi: Nonsense! I'd never abuse such a sacred ability on something so frivolous, plus it's a waste of energy.

Tsuzuki: Oh please Tatsumi! -Puts on his best sad puppy look that usually makes the secretary melt-

Tatsumi: Sorry Tsuzuki, that won't work this time because I'm wearing these!

Tsuzuki: Wha-?

Watari: That's right! He's wearing my latest invention! "I See No Evil" glasses! They block any negative emotion making the wearer seemingly unaware!

Tatsumi: Heh.

Tsuzuki: Gosh, I wonder how much all that research and manufacturing costs!

Tatsumi: O_O''''''

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Ohohoho! First off, I'd like to thank Menea11, Neko-kun, EmeraldandAmethyst, and bulletgirl2 for the wonderful reviews! I love you guys! I actually wasn't really expecting any, well...Not for the first chapter. Lol! So, I guess I did good! I see poor Pie-san was a hit. Don't worry, he has no family! Bwahahaha! :D -Scared self- Yeah, I'm sure I can insert some TsuxSoka luff luff time! But be warned, it may not be what you are used to (Or I could be bluffing). Also, I'm sorry for this chapter XD**

**Chapter Two**

"Tsuzuki, there are three main parts to any decent story. First, an introduction. Next, a body. Last, the conclusion. What you decide to do with these three things is solely up to you, but might I advise you to keep it short, sweet, and to the point. The last thing you'd want to do is waste the reader's time. At the same time, though, you want to obviously keep the reader entertained. Also, considering this is for Kurosaki-san he'll more than likely want to finish and be done with it." Tatsumi ended up agreeing to help Tsuzuki out with his "love story?" knowing it would be the only way to get the shinigami back to work. However, he had to admit that Tsuzuki's composition wasn't half bad.

"Mm, I feel like I've never attended school. By the way Tasumi...How much is this really going to cost me?" Tsuzuki feared for his wallet and his stomach. Tatsumi could be so stingy.

"Oh, nothing too outrageous. I just require equal compensation. I have a lot to do after all." Actually that was false. Tatsumi had nothing else left to do. He had debated on leaving early, but really tried to avoid that due to him being anal and obsessively productive. "Due to you not staying on task and wasting company time and money...I will deduct one day from your paid vacation."

"WHAT? AHHH!"

"Tatsumi! Where's the love? Where's the passion? Do you honestly believe with your advise Tsuzuki will be able to win Bon's heart?" The eccentric shinigami, head of the sixth sector (Henjoucho) came bouncing into the office, a cloud of smoke followed.

"Yay! Watari! Caramelldansen time~!" (I would love to see that! XD)

Tatsumi could only raise a brow at the ridiculous statement and entrance. "Watari, that smoke. You better not be wasting more time on that "Sex Change" potion of yours."

"Yes...that smoke is from my beloved "Sex Change" potion. Heh heh." Cough. Cough. "Tsuzuki, step aside." He pushed Tsuzuki out of the computer chair and sat down immediately. He read over what had been his friend's attempt at a love story and grinned. "Not bad. But it needs something...003, what do you think?"

"KAW!"

"Oh, right. I see!" Watari petted his adorable owl/companion.

Tatsumi and Tsuzuki looked disturbed after hearing what was supposed to be an owl do a more crow like bird call.

"This is gold! Yes! Haha! I can see this being a Best Seller!"

Watari went into hyper mode while the keys on the keyboard appeared to melt. Maybe he could help Tsuzuki and add a little bit of passion. Tsuzuki was touched. His coworkers really did consider him a friend. They often pulled him out of sticky situations. Man, he sure could cause a bunch of mischief, albeit not on purpose. But it was Hisoka who he really had to thank. He was his partner and had stayed by him through thick and thin. They truly understood one another and seemed to be in sync. They may not always get along, but it was a harmonious relationship. The good outweighed the bad and they really cared for one another. That's why he appreciated all the help he could get with his story. He wanted to finish it by the end of the day. Unfortunately, he upset his young partner in the process.

"Watari, you may be a genius with science, but your literacy abilities suck!"

"Le gasp, Tatsumi! That was harsh! I happened to make student of the year in my creative writing class in the seventh grade!"

"Yes, ironically that's also when you dropped out of school."

"Hey, I disliked the system. I won't let The Man keep me down!"

"Well, who's "The Man" in this relationsh-"

The phone rang.

Tatsumi calmly walked to the office phone and picked up. "Tatsumi Seiichirou...Yes...No...I don't...I don't believe so. Have a goodnight." He hung up while wearing a concerned look.

"Tatsumi? Who was it?" Tsuzuki also looked concerned. 'Had the pizza delivery guy gotten lost?'

"That was Kurosaki-san. He asked me if it was against Shokan's policy to have tattoos and body piercings..."

"Whoa, why would Bon be interested in something like that?"

"He probably thinks it's something Tsuzuki is interested in."

"Oh God, I gotta stop him!" Tsuzuki made a mad dash towards the door, but stopped suddenly. "No, wait...Maybe it will suit him." He imagined Hisoka with an angel wing tattoo on his back. Tsuzuki had found Muraki's curse markings on Hisoka's skin incredibly sexy, although it pissed him off that it was Muraki's handy work.

"No way! You can't be serious!" Tatsumi seemed to be the only shinigami with sense now that Hisoka had gone off the deep end. He looked over at Watari who still had the same grin from earlier on his face. "What?"

"This is just so much fun! I need to go find some inspiration so I can continue to help Tsuzuki with his story. Ah! Terazuma's diary will work! Be right back! Ahahaha!" He ran from the room leaving 003 behind.

"Ah, I'll be right back too. I'm getting kinda hungry." Tsuzuki made his way to the break-room leaving Tatsumi and 003 alone, together...

003 just started her giant owl eyes into the shadow master. She tilted her head ever so slightly.

"Well, how's your day been so far?" Tatsumi asked, trying to be polite.

"HACK! HACK!" She coughed up an owl pellet.

Tatsumi slowly backed away into his office. "I should probably work on Tsuzuki's story from my office." He pulled up the file from his computer and read through what was already the worst story known to man. How could the secretary of Shokan make this love story better? Surely anything he put on there would be fine. "Let's see..._Tsuzuki slowly began to pay his bills..." _Now that was true love.

"I really hope I finish everything soon." Tsuzuki took a generous bite of apple pie and sighed.

"Hey moron! How's it goin'?"

"ACK! Terazuma? Don't you have some bones to bury?"

"Heh. No, but I hear our local old folks home has a vacancy."

"Son of a...That was a low blow! What's your problem?"

Terazuma crossed his arms and leaned against the kitchen counter. "Why didn't you ask me for help?"

"Huh? Help with what?"

"Do you think I'm illiterate? I'm greatly offended by your lack of reaching out to me during such a sensitive matter."

"...You mean, you want to help me with my story for Hisoka?"

"Not for you, but for the kid."

TBC

**~Extra~**

The amazing Seiichirou Tatsumi Part Two

Tatsumi: All right, so that's more of the company's money NOT going towards Watari's research.

Watari: Oh, boo!

Hisoka: Good morning everyone. -Rubs eyes-

Tsuzuki: HISOKA~! -glompage-

Hisoka: Nooo! Too much contact! _

Konoe: What's with all the racket?

Tatsumi: Sorry, sir. Just Tsuzuki's typical, everyday "'soka greeting".

Konoe: Hmm. Well, I'll be leaving everything to you today!

Tatsumi: Where are you going? Got a hot date?

Konoe: Actually...Yes...

Watari: Who's the lucky lady?

Konoe: She's not really a lady...

Tsuzuki: Then who?

Konoe: ...Watson...

Tatsumi: WELL, HAVE A WONDERFUL EVENING! -Kicks Chief Konoe out the door-

Hisoka: Who knew Konoe-san had a zombie fetish.

Tsuzuki: Wow! Tatsumi, you saved us!

Tatsumi: I feel sick...

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: First off, I'd like to thank EmeraldandAmethyst, wolfawaken, Menea111, Neko-kun, spiritmind675, and AshleyTangerine for the kind reviews! You all have made me so happy! Secondly, I'm sorry for posting this so late. I know every author gives their excuse as to why, but my laptop hates me! I don't know why! I feed it, bathe it, and tuck it in every night! So why! Thirdly, sorry again for this silly fanfic! Anyway, thanks again for the reviews! Oh and because it was requested...**

Tsuzuki: -Glomps EmeraldandAmethyst into Hisoka creating a love sandwich- Heee!

Hisoka: Ack! Oh God! Nooo! x_x

Tsuzuki: Mmmm! Tasty! X3

**Chapter Three**

"So, do you want the phoenix on your upper back or lower back?"

Hisoka nervously gripped the sides of the futon and mulled over the idea. 'The lower back would hit the point home a little more...Plus I could wear a more revealing shirt so it wouldn't go unnoticed...' Hisoka harbored some ideas of how to be even more extreme. True, he wasn't fond of even the slightest bit of pain, but he had to do this to get back at _him. _He perspired at the notion of what his fellow employees would think of this outrageous turn of events and maybe even label him unfit for being a shinigami, but just about everyone he worked with was eccentric to a degree so why couldn't he be...Just a little?

"Hey kid? Did you hear me?" The tattoo artist held the vibrating pin dangerously close to the shinigami's pale flesh as if he would decide himself. "You have nice skin. Are you sure you want to do thi-"

"Lower. My lower back please. And after that I'd like my belly button and tongue pierced. Do you do hair as well?"

"Whoa kid! Slow down! Are you sure? If you don't mind me asking, why this all of a sudden? You look like you're from a distinguished family. Your parents are going to be pissed!"

"Yes well, let's just say I want to get my rebellious side out of the way."

"All right, but there's no going back..."

'Heh heh. That's what you think!'

Hisoka readied himself for what was about to come. He tried to think of happy thoughts like bunnies hopping about in a flowery meadow. Like the joy of spotting a double rainbow. Like finally telling Muraki "No, you don't bother me anymore, n00b". Like swapping out Muraki's wardrobe with Pinkhouse dresses. Like stealing Muraki's brother's head and turning it into his own, private snow globe. Yes, Hisoka much liked the last one, but soon hissed as the vibrating pin dug into his skin. He moaned as he felt the colorful ink fill his flesh and mixed with his blood.

"You okay kid?"

"I've felt worse. Don't worry."

~O~

"You gotta whack 'em in the yard!"

"Ooooh!" Tsuzuki clapped and payed close attention.

"And that's how I get rid of the weeds in my flower bed..."

"That's nice and all Terazuma, but weren't you going to help me with my problem?"

"You've got E.D.?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Tsuzuki was about to storm out of the break-room until Terazuma halted him by his shirt collar.

"Lemme go! You're just making fun of me!" Terazuma and Tsuzuki were obviously rivals from the start, but this was just too mean. He was desperate enough to confide in Terazuma for help and now he was just being toyed with. He flailed his arms and kicked his feet.

"With that attitude you'll never make the kid understand your true feelings." In all honesty the man had an immense sense of pleasure in the fact that the master of twelve shikigami needed his advice. Here was something else Tsuzuki couldn't do on his own. The man was deemed hopeless from day one and couldn't even keep a partner. Even Tatsumi took a crack at him, but couldn't stand to work along side him. Now Tsuzuki needed his help with his love life? This was too good to be true.

"Then, you really _will_ help me?"

"Well, I don't know much about guys, but uh...I hear poetry works well with the ladies..."

"Haha! You sound so sure!" Maybe advice from Terazuma was counterproductive? The guy obviously lacked experience with women in the first place. Besides, he needed help with a _man_.

"Sure I'm sure! Poetry is the art of compare and contrast. It doesn't need to rhyme, but that tends to help one remember it. It's like a song so it needs to be catchy. In the boy's case he may want something a little more upbeat rather than angsty. In fact, I could give you a few examples from my journal! Be right back!"

He was running out of people to help him and needed to finish his story soon. If not by today, at least tomorrow. Tsuzuki sighed and tried not to lose hope. He leaned forward till his forehead hit a cabinet door and he just stood there, depressed. He let his hands rest on the counter top and allowed them to run over the smooth, cold surface until his right hand hit something soft and warm. Gradually, he poked the matter and noted it was also sticky. He peeked from the corner of his eye and pulled his head from the cabinet. Once his eyes came in contact with what it was, his eyes nearly bugged out.

DOUGHNUT.

~O~

"Have you seen my journal? I always leave it in my desk drawer..." He feverishly looked through every drawer and glanced up at his partner, Wakaba, for an answer.

"Ohhhh! You mean your diary? Yeah, Watari ran off with it."

"...AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Tatsumi peeked his head from his office after saving what he had finished thus far of the story. He scanned the vicinity and attempted to find the source of all the alarm. Once he realised, he ducked back into his office and locked the door knowing full well what the issue was. "Why? Why do I have to work with all these idiots?" 'I've helped Tsuzuki enough and this has already passed the border of insane. Time to get the Hell out of here!' And with that, the secretary left, hurriedly. But was interrupted by the older Gushoshin brother, of course. 'Now what?'

Ah, Tatsumi-san! Glad I caught you. I need to speak with you about the due date of the new, new, new library."

"Oh yes. Well, it'll be complete in about three months. Eager to get back to work?"

"Well, there's that, but my brother and I need a place to sleep so we spoke with Chief Konoe and he gave us direct orders to bunk in your office."

'Why, why, whhhhy?' Tatsumi proceeded to bang his head on the clock out machine.

~O~

The room was large and half lit. Computer screens flickered on and off to make the room appear even more eerie. Watari sat with his legs crossed as two women approached him and bowed at his feet. His eyes were unreadable due to the glare in his glasses.

"Did you leave the doughnut?"

"Yes, all is going according to plan. We were undetected." The woman with shorter hair announced.

Watari grinned and stood up immediately. "This is great! Now not even Tsuzuki can stand in my way! Bwahahahaha! To Hisoka's apartment!"

"YAAAY~! HISOKA-CHAN~!"

TBC

**~Extra~**

The amazing Seiichirou Tatsumi Part Three

Tsuzuki: Hisoka, I love you the way you are!

Hisoka: What are you going on about?

Tsuzuki: What has yet to come...

Tatsumi: No! There will be no references to the story above! Ahem, doesn't anyone have any questions to ask of me?

Tsuzuki: Uhhh...

Saya: Oh! I have one! How's that money tree of yours coming along?

Tatsumi: I'm so glad you asked! Actually, it's just a sapling, but soon it'll be a TREEmendous money maker!

Tsuzuki: Pffft! XD

Yuma: You mean _that_ money maker over there?

003: -Tugs on the remaining root and devours it_**-**_

Tatsumi: ...Thanksgiving is coming up soon...Heh heh heh.

Watari: Nuuuuuuuuu!

TBC


End file.
